Rich Cat, Poor Cats’ Smoked, Pig Trout with Rocket.

What you need for this is a few bottles of wine a smoked pork fillet, a smoked brown trout, herbs, spices, and cherry tomatoes on the vine… and a cat.
Take chilled bottles of Stein, Riesling, Chardonnay and Chateau Latife, and place them in this order on the work surface of the kitchen.
Now get out the chopping block and place it strategically in front of the wine selection. You are now ready to begin the prep, but not before popping the cork of the Chateau Latife, its far to an expensive wine to accompany a dish of this calibre and besides you will need something comforting to sip during the gruelling task ahead.
Now reverently position the brown smoked trout on the chopping block so that the head is facing west. Next sharpen the cleaver to razor blade status and position it within easy reach to the east side of the block, now take a sip of wine and mumble a few Hail Mary’s to settle the nerves. You are now about to perform an ‘Anne Bolin’ on the unsuspecting trout.
Once you have severed the head and tail put them aside, delicately remove the body and feed it to your cat or alternatively use the carcass to make a ‘Dead Mans Piquant Smoked Trout Pate’. If you opted for the latter hide the body, so that your cat will never suspect how miserably poor you really are.
It’s easy from here on in, slosh a generous helping of olive oil into a roasting pan, add two cloves of chopped garlic the cherry tomatoes on the vine and a shot of ground coarse salt, cracked black pepper and a sprinkle of fennel seeds. Now cook up a small storm in the pan until the tomatoes begin to blister, then remove the tomatoes and take the pan off the heat.
Take a breather, a sip of wine, a stick of celery and a very sharp knife, now cut the celery into fine translucent slivers and add to the pan along with a handful of sliced wild mushroom, one finely chopped spring onion and a bunch of purple basil.
Now its time to prep the smoked pork fillet.
Place the fillet on the chopping block with the fat end facing west and the tapered end facing east, now with one swift blow from the cleaver clinically remove about 5cm from the tapered end of the fillet. (You can mince the removed bit and feed it to your cat or make or make a finger sized cocktail sausage.) Now from the eastside to the west pierce the fillet with cloves so that they form a spine down the length of the fillet. Now take a bowl and throw in a handful of mustard seeds, green pepper corns and coriander seeds, a sprinkle of course salt and drizzle of oil, mix together and then smother the body of the fillet with the mixture.
The fillet should now look like something your cat found in the alley.
Now put the pan back onto a gentle heat until the celery and onions begin to soften, when that’s done make room in the pan add the fillet and another slosh of oil. While this is bubbling away choose a bottle of wine, if your choice is Stein go immediately to the bathroom mirror and check that your fillings are still intact, as the dish will become nauseatingly sweet and run the possible danger of turning into smoked pork fillet toffee. Rather go for the Chardonnay and quaff the Riesling with the meal.
In a clockwise motion while, avoiding the crusted fillet, pour a quarter bottle of wine into the pot, stir gently with a wooden spoon and then throw in the blistered cherry tomatoes on the vine. Stick a lid on the pan and let it bubble away while you finish the Chateau Latife.
After the fillet is warmed through remove from the pan and put it under a fierce grill for a minute, this is to test your skill with oven gloves, and to dry the crust a little. Now remove from the grill and let it cool. Now, keeping the shape of the fillet intact, thinly slice from top to tail, once done give yourself a pat on the back and remove the sliced fillet with a pallet knife to a silver-serving platter in the shape of a fish.
You are now ready to attach the head and tail of the smoked brown trout.
Insert the thick end of the fillet into the cavity of the head and likewise the tapered end into the tail.
Looks’ convincing doesn’t it?
Now pour the bubbling mixture from the pan over the dish, garnish with chives and bring to the table.
Uncork the Riesling, toast your cat and serve immediately with an accompaniment of rocket salad you bought from the Deli earlier.