UNTRIED RECIPES

Dead Mans Piquant Smoked Trout Pâté.’

Take any old trout pâté’ recipe add red or green Tabasco to taste. If red add one chopped seeded red chilli or green chilli if using green. Then add two tots of Perno’ and blend.
Serve with crackers and slices of iced cucumber.
Guaranteed to bring the palate back to life.

The Great Fire Hydrant Trout Surprise

Okay, all you need for this one is four trout fillets a couple of ingredients an asbestos suit and nerves of steel. Got that? Right.
Now find a whiskey glass and fill it half empty with lemon juice, and then throw a pinch of salt over your left shoulder and an equal amount into the glass, followed quickly by a dash of black pepper a touch of sugar and a quarter glass of sunflower oil.
Now put on your polarised fish-glasses grab an onion and chop it finely, add the onion to the mixture in the glass, it is now safe to remove your glasses, and beat the day-lights out of the mixture until thoroughly blended.
Now find a bottle of rum and pour a tot, you deserve it; and reach for a bunch of assorted herbs, sage, rosemary, fennel, dill, parsley and thyme, whatever, mince them with a cleaver and put aside within easy reach. Put the grill on to medium, okay, now look at the fillets of trout, they need basting don’t they, so smother them with the basting stuff in the whiskey glass and pop them into the grill, five to eight minutes max both sides. While they are cooking up, get a hot serving platter and lay a bed of the clavered herbs onto it keeping some aside, and then check the fish aren’t cremating.
When the fish is cooked place the fillets on the bed of clavered herbs and sprinkle the remainder on top. If you have not yet put on the asbestos suit, now is a good time to do so, okay now take the remainder of the bottle of rum and pour it over the fillets and set fire to them. Once the flames have died down serve immediately.
The decadently delicious infusion of flavours will have your guests casting a lively eye for more.

Broiled Stout Trout

For this you will need the luck of the Irish, six beer glasses, a six-pack of Guinness and a few other assorted ingredients.
Okay, so put the four leafed clover in such a position that it can be viewed during the cooking process at all times, now put on an apron, I prefer a butchers stripped apron, but any old apron will do, and crack open a Guinness. Pour the Guinness into a glass and let it stand a while, before tasting.
As the first sip of Guinness slides down your throat throw some bacon into a pan and crisp it up, when sufficiently crisped remove from pan, allow to cool and then bash it with a mallet. Now scrape up the bacon bits and put them into one of the five remaining beer glasses. Now grab your cleaver and assault two onions until finely diced, and while your in the groove cleaver one celery stick into thin slices, the thinner the better, and put the onions and celery into the forth beer glass.
Now, take another fine sip of the Guinness and examine the third beer glass, it should be empty, so squeeze the juice of four limes into it so that it doesn’t feel left out and put it to one side. So far so good, the four-leafed clover is really working, and you still have ten fingers. Now you will need a micrometer to measure the slices of fresh ginger, these should be consistent, the finer the better. You will also need some dill, sea salt and black pepper and some sliced dried wild mushrooms on hand in the second last glass.
Place the trout fillets into a broiling pan on medium heat, and carefully lay the sliced ginger down the centre of the fillets, now take the fourth beer glass, and cover the fillets with the onion and celery mix, have another sip of Guinness, and then take the first beer glass with the bacon bits and scatter them over the fillets. Now crack open another Guinness and pour it into the last glass and then generously baste the fillets with the Guinness, when things begin to bubble a bit take the second last glass and throw in the dried mushrooms with a bit of sea salt and black pepper, and a liberal sprinkling of dill. Keep basting and when judged halfway done take the third beer glass with the lime juice and pour over the fish, continue broiling until golden brown, chuck in some more dill, finish drinking your Guinness and serve.

Orange Trout Amour

You will need for this: candle light, soft suggestive music, a can of mandarin oranges and a bottle of sherry.
Now, dim the lights, stick on the music, light the candles and open the sherry.
Ready. Okay, grab a beer glass and fill one third empty with soy sauce and then pour your self a sherry, now without putting the bottle down slowly pour the sherry from the bottle into the beer glass until the mixture rises to two thirds empty, now top the glass up with orange juice, add two teaspoons of dried ginger and a bunch of minced garlic to taste. Transfer the mixture to a cocktail mixer, turn the music up and shake for one minute. Now place eight trout fillets in a flat dish and pour the shaken mixture over the fillets, and then order a seafood pizza take-away. The fillets need to marinate for a minimum of six hours or better still over night.
The next day bake the fillets with marinade in a 350-degree oven for about 20 minutes, adding mandarin oranges and a third of the liquid from the can midway through the cooking. A delicious accompaniment to left over seafood pizza.